


who else do I have, if not even myself?

by littlekittenhui



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, I haven't decided if I want a romantic pairing yet we'll see, I promise this won't end super sad, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, jun just is dealing with a lot, please do not read if you will be triggered, please read the tags, stay safe yall, the boys argue a lot in the first chapter, trigger warning!! this is dealing with self hatred and self harm!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 20:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18924604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlekittenhui/pseuds/littlekittenhui
Summary: Junhui is okay with what people say about him. Really, he is. They don't know him, so it shouldn't sting as much.What can he do when the people who do know him, the people he loves, think the same things about him?If he doesn't have them, then does he really have anyone?





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!!  
> This story deals heavily with self-hatred and self-harm. Please stop reading now if those things will possibly trigger you. 
> 
> Enjoy ^^

 

It bothered him. It bothered him more than he ever let on.

 

Who wouldn’t be bothered by everyone thinking they’re an airhead? Junhui had seen it so much whenever he searched his name on any fan platform: “airhead”,“weirdo”,“childish”, “strange”. There were his fans, weren’t they? Didn’t fans usually love everything about their idol?

Yet, one of the top posts when he looked up his name was a video of him during a live and the comment “Junhui is a really weird kid. He’s always playing by himself while the others are working. He’s really an airhead, huh?”

While he knew the fans were probably just joking around, Junhui couldn’t help but feel _hurt_ by the comment, and the dozens under it agreeing and laughing.

He grew up hearing it from others. “You’re so fucking weird, Jun,” His friends would laugh, “No one knows what you’re talking about.”

Jun decided it didn’t matter what they said about him; he was going to Korea soon to be a trainee anyways and he’d make better friends. Friends that accepted him the way he was. Friends he didn’t need to impress or act differently for; _real_ friends.

And for the most part, he was right. Despite the language barrier, Jun was able to make really good friends. They were all close, like a little ~~if thirteen can be considered little~~  family. And they even debuted together, becoming an instant success.

_______

 

Yet, he was unable to escape the painful words.

 

“Junnie, focus please,” Wonwoo whispered to him as they stood in the back of the group, talking to the fans on vlive, “The fans always talk about how you don’t pay attention during lives.”

Jun bowed his head a little as he muttered out a little “sorry”, letting go of the balloon he had been occupied with. What was the point of him paying attention? It wasn’t like he was gonna be able to talk anyways.

“Anyways, we’re so grateful to our precious Carats! We really do have the best fans,” Seungkwan singsonged, “Does anyone want to say anything before we end the broadcast?” He asked, looking around at the members around him.

A few voices talked over each other as they tried to decide who would talk next, some of the boys fake whining that they didn’t want the broadcast to end. Yet when Junhui accidentally caught Seungkwan’s eyes, he _knew_ nothing good was going to come of it.

“It seems like our Moon Jun has finally tuned back into the real world!” Seungkwan joked, getting a few laughs out of the others, “Why don’t you say something to our Chinese Carats, Jun-hyung?”

Despite feeling himself flush red with embarrassment after being called out, Junhui quickly put a smile on his face and said, “Our Carats, thank you for watching our live, please make sure to take care of yourselves and eat your meals on time! Thank you!”

Satisfied, the members turned to the next person to speak, which was Seokmin. Glad the attention was off of him, Junhui let himself relax and sigh, relieved that no one was looking at him anymore, but still a little embarrassed and hurt from the previous comment. After collecting himself, he looked to Seokmin who was speaking, but not before making eye contact with Jeonghan, who was looking at him with a curious gaze. Silently, Jeonghan was asking if he was okay, he could tell. Not wanting to worry his doting hyung, Junhui shook his head and smiled. This made Jeonghan shrug and focus back on Seokmin, which was a relief to Jun.

He didn’t want to bring it up. It was stupid anyways; he knows they’re kidding, that they don’t mean it. They’re a _family_ , families joke like this all the time. If Seungkwan could take jokes about his looks and Chan could about his age, _then why couldn’t Jun?_

It was a stupid insecurity. Who cares if people think he’s a stupid child? It didn’t matter, he knows he isn’t and the people who love him don’t think so either, right?

_______

 

Except they did, didn’t they? That’s why they always said he had a low mental age and called him a prankster.

 

“Jun-hyung might be one of the oldest, but he’s really like a 5 year-old on the inside!” Mingyu joked during an interview. Chan laughed, agreeing, “ He seems younger than me most of the time! All he does is play pranks!” Whenever he heard these comments, he just laughed along with the members, hiding his face in his arm. The members always assumed he did this because he was shy of his behavior; they didn’t know Jun did it to hide his red face and the held-back tears.

He didn’t want to let it bother him, but he couldn’t help it. He’d always been sensitive when it came to this area, especially since most equated him to just a pretty face.

‘Whatever,’ Junhui thought, collecting himself, ‘We can go back to the dorms now and I can go to sleep.’

“Hey guys, let’s do some rehearsals now, okay? We don’t have a lot of time before Dream Concert, and we have a lot of stages!” Soonyoung said, much to the dismay of the others members who groaned, “I know you guys wanna sleep, but we need to be perfect!”

“Come on guys, just for an hour or two,” Seungcheol tried to persuade, herding the members into the practice room, “You guys can shower and sleep once we’re done.”

“This is gonna take forever!” Seungkwan lamented, “We already had a full schedule today!”

“It won’t, I’ll make sure we’re done before it gets too late.” Joshua said gently.

‘I really hope he means that.’ Junhui thought.

_______

 

An hour and a half later, the members were all panting, trying to keep in time with the music and not bump into each other. It was clear they were all exhausted and needed rest, but Soonyoung told them they could stop when they got the whole sequence perfectly, which seemed like it was less and less likely. Running on only a few hours of sleep, it wasn’t a surprise when Junhui ran straight into Jihoon for the third time.

Sighing, Soonyoung turned off the music while the others helped Jun and Jihoon up off the sweaty floor. “Okay guys, take a ten minute break. It’s obvious you guys can’t focus,” he said, eyeing Jun. Junhui just kept his eyes trained to the floor, not saying anything. Slowly, he made his way over to his water bottle, crashing down and taking little sips from it. He refused to look up, afraid to see everyone glaring at him for messing up so many times and delaying the end of their practice. He knew they were all exhausted, which just fed the guilt crawling up his throat.

Suddenly, a pair of sneakers made their way into Junhui’s field of vision. Slowly, Jun looked up to see Minghao, looking at him wearily. “What’s up with you? You don’t usually mess up this much,” he said, seeming concerned but annoyed, “We can’t go home until you fix this, so try a little harder, will you?”

“I-I am trying, Hao.” Jun tried to explain weakly.

“You could try harder,” Wonwoo cut in, having heard their conversation, “You’re the only one messing up, can’t you see that we’re all tired and we’re here now just because of you?” Wonwoo said, irritation clear in his voice. Jun knew, they were all so drained, they would never say things like this if they weren’t, but it didn’t stop Wonwoo’s words from cutting into Jun’s heart.

“I-I’m sorry guys, I really am,” Junhui said softly, the lump in his throat growing, “You guys can go, I can just stay here and practice by myself?” He tried, wanting to find a solution.

“We’re a team, so we can’t leave until we look perfect. So can you just get your shit together so we can go home?!” Soonyoung suddenly bit out, causing Jun’s eyes to widen. Before he could stutter anything out, Soonyoung continued, “You’re always doing this, spacing out when we’re working, trying to play and joke while the rest of us are getting stuff done! A few of us stayed yesterday to fix any mistakes we made on the choreography, where were you? You always have your head in the clouds, not paying attention to what you should be doing. Stop acting like a child, Jun, you’re not just a pretty face, are you?” Soonyoung spat.

“Soonyoung! That’s enough! Where do you get off saying things like that?” Seungcheol demanded. It was clear he, as well as the others, were shocked by Soonyoung’s harsh words. However, when Jun looked at the other members, he wasn’t sure that they didn’t agree with him. ‘They all really think I’m a deadweight’ Junhuithought.

Soonyoung continued to argue with Seungcheol, spitting out more harsh and hurtful words. It was clear he was fed up and couldn’t contain his anger anymore.

“It’s not like it isn’t true! Everyone says the same thing! ‘Jun, can you please focus? Jun, can you pay attention? Jun, please stop running around.’ He’s always acting so childish, like he has no cares, while the rest of us are working! It isn’t like everyone else isn’t thinking what I’m saying!” Soonyoung exclaimed, not seeing why Seungcheol wasn’t understanding him. Slowly, Jun looked around the room, and could see in a few of their eyes; they agreed with Soonyoung. They thought he wasn’t pulling his weight in the group either.

All of a sudden, it became too much. Everyone was talking around him, some angrier than others. Some arguing that Soonyoung was being unfair, that Jun tried just as hard as the rest of them. Others, mumbling that it didn’t seem that way. A few of them just stood there, unsure as to what they should say or do.

  
Jun stood there, quietly breaking down in his head.

 

‘They think you’re useless. Your own family,’ Jun thought numbly, ‘You’ve disappointed them. They were never joking when they said those things, they really meant it.’

The weight of his own thoughts falling down on him, Junhui’s breath started to quicken, feeling panicked all of a sudden. ‘Oh god, what have you done? Now they’re all fighting because of you. You really are too much for other people, aren’t you?’ His thoughts began to run wild, increasing his panic and state of distress. ‘They hate you. You’re ruining what they have. Why can’t you just be normal?’

Overwhelmed with his own mind, Junhui didn’t notice the others turning to look at him after hearing labored breathing coming from him. As the seconds passed, they continued watching Jun, who was starting to hyperventilate. “Jun-ah? Are you okay?” Jeonghan tried, softly, laying a gentle hand on Jun’s arm.

However, the soft words and touch only spurred Junhui on, scaring him and causing him to flinch backwards into the mirror. He began to breathe wildly, his negative thoughts winning and causing him to have panic in his eyes as he looked around wildly. ‘I need to get out of here,’ Jun thought, ‘I can’t do this, not here, not in front of all of them.’

“Jun? Are you okay? Hey, talk to us.” Seungcheol tried, but it was pointless. Jun had already made up his mind; he needed to leave and calm down on his own. They couldn’t see him like this, they would get so upset and he didn’t want to bother them any more than he had already. Jun clambered over towards the door, ignoring the other’s calling of his name, worry and panic in their voices. Even Soonyoung had gotten over his anger and was concerned for his Chinese member.

Jun basically sprinted down the corridor, barreling into the bathroom and locking the door so the others couldn’t follow him in. He needed to be alone, he just needed to calm down by himself. He had bad thoughts like this all the time, it was fine. He would be fine.

However, he was usually able to convince himself that his negativity was false; that those thoughts were untrue. What was he supposed to do now that they were proven? That it had been his members who said those things?

‘It was not going to be okay,’ Junhui realized.

 

It was never going to be okay.

 


	2. Chapter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t mean to start doing it. Really, he never thought he would and he never thought he would start doing it on purpose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!! This chapter deals HEAVILY with self-harm. Please stop reading now if you won't be able to handle it.

_____________

  

He didn’t mean to start doing it. Really, he never thought he would and he never thought he would start doing it on purpose.

 

But it was the only form of release he had. He couldn’t tell the members about his feelings. It would be too much for them. They were already stressed out, and he was already making their lives so hard. He had to keep this to himself.

So, he hurt himself.

It started out small. When he got anxious or felt a little down, he would pick at his lip. Harmless; everyone does that. It was fine, until that wasn’t enough. He then started picking at his fingers; picking at the skin surrounding his cuticles. Not too much damage usually, just little raw patches of skin on his fingers. There were times he did too much of course, but it was only a little bit of blood, wasn’t it? That little bit of blood was worth the distraction, wasn’t it? Besides, he could easily cover them up with bandaids. It was fine.

Until that wasn’t enough either.

Junhui didn’t mean for it to get any worse. Really, he didn’t think it wouldn’t get any worse. Just light scratches on his legs and torso. No one would see them there; he couldn’t bear it if he worried his fans or members.

But those ‘light’ scratches turned deeper and deeper until there was more than just a small amount of blood escaping his body. He knew he had to stop. He knew it was unhealthy; people aren’t supposed to hurt themselves. It’s unnatural. Yet, Junhui knew he couldn’t stop it. He needed it. He needed to hurt himself; it was the only way to get the negative thoughts to stop and the only way for him to catch his breath when he was struggling.

‘Panic attacks’. He knew they existed; hell, he knew other idols who suffered from them. Yet, he didn’t believe that he could find a different remedy from the ones he suffered from. Jun was completely convinced he deserved to be in pain; he deserved this outcome. He deserved the pain, the panic, the emptiness. That’s what he gets for being useless; for being childish, stupid, a deadweight.

_____________

 

 

After getting into the bathroom and locking the door, Junhui crashed onto the floor, trying to catch his breath.

 

‘Calm down,’ he screamed in his mind, ‘You’ve already caused so many problems tonight, if you cause a scene right now, they’ll really hate you.’ However, he was unable to stop the panic that was coursing his veins. All he could think about was the harsh words his members said about him. ‘I’m not their family,’ he thought numbly, digging his nails into the skin of his neck, ‘They’re so sick of me and my personality. I’ve made them suffer so much. What kind of brother am I?’

As the thoughts continued to poison Junhui’s mind, he continued to tighten his grip on his neck. Not thinking clearly about the consequences, he started to drag his nails down his neck, ripping the delicate skin open and letting the blood spill down, staining his shirt. He wasn’t in the right state of mind to care; he needed to make the painful feeling in his chest go away. He would rather deal with physical wounds than deal with this tight feeling that was choking him. 

All of a sudden, there was a light knocking on the door, startling Junhui and causing him to let out a painful yelp.

“Junnie? Please talk to me. We’re all so worried about you. The others are sorry, okay? Please come out,” Jeonghan pleaded, worried for the younger, “You didn’t look so good in the practice room. I know you’re upset and you have every right to be, but can you come out so we can talk about it?”

Despite not being able to see him, Junhui shook his head. He couldn’t let any of them see him now; he hadn’t pulled himself together yet. He needed a little more time, just a little more so he could calm down and clean up. Then, he could go out there and apologize for being such a fuck-up to his members.

“Jun-ah? Are you alright? Can hyung come in? I just want to see you’re okay.” Jeonghan tried again, desperate to see Junhui. He was so worried. he knew Junhui never acted the way he did to bother anyone; he was just like that and there was nothing wrong with it. Jeonghan knew they all adored Jun and his antics, the others were just so stressed out and took it out on the wide-eyed boy. Not that that made it okay; The three eldest members made sure to scold the others properly for saying such hurtful things about someone they cared about. He was pretty sure Seungcheol was still scolding them even after he went after Junhui.

Jeonghan knew they regretted their harsh words, Soonyoung especially. The second he noticed Jun’s erratic breathing, his anger faded and worry replaced it. Soonyoung loved Junhui, it was no secret. He was always so protective of the Chinese member. Soonyoung was always the one hyping him up and talking about Junhui in interviews. He just lost his cool today and unleashed insults, things he didn’t even believe, onto his friend. Jeonghan knew that Soonyoung would be beating himself up for his actions, as would the others. But, they weren’t his priority right now: Jun was.

“Junnie?” He said softly, not wanting to spook the boy behind the door, “Can you at least let me know if you’re okay?”

‘I’m not okay, hyung,’ Junhui thought, ‘It hurts so bad, I can’t make it stop this time. Can you help me hyung? Please hyung, please make it stop.’

“Yes hyung, I’m okay.” Jun croaked out. He couldn’t tell Jeonghan.

“You’re crying, you’re not okay, Jun-ah. Can you let me in?” Jeonghan said, gently trying to coax the younger to open the door.

"No!” Jun exclaimed as loud as he could with his throat raw with tears, “I-it’s fine, hyung. I-I’m just going t-to wash up a-and I’ll come out. Just give me a few minutes, hyung please.” Junhui begged. Sighing, Jeonghan reluctantly agreed, “Okay, Junnie, I’ll leave you to wash up then. Come out soon, okay? If you’re not out in the next ten minutes, I’m coming back and I’m going to bring someone to unlock the door, okay?”

“O-okay hyung. I’ll be out soon.” Jun said, clutching his head to try and stop the room from spinning. Hearing Jeonghan step away from the bathroom door and go down the hall, Junhui shakily got up from the floor and clutched the sink. Taking a look in the mirror, he almost gasped at what he saw.

His eyes were hazy and dim, tears clouding the usual bright doe-eyes. His hair was sticking up in every direction from his running his hand through it and clutching it to ground himself. He had apparently scratched up his arms in his panicked state as well, noting the faint pink lines down his forearms. And his neck…

His neck still hadn’t stopped bleeding.

There were three large gashes in his neck from his grip, all of them almost an inch long. ‘I really did that?’ Junhui thought, ‘Oh god, how am I going to cover this up?’ Panicking, he pulled his shirt off, which was soiled in blood, and ran it under the faucet. He started dabbing at his neck, trying to stop the bleeding, ignoring the stinging pain when he touched the wound. ‘I need this to at least stop bleeding,’ Jun thought, mind whirling, ‘How am I going to explain this?’

After stopping the bleeding enough, he left his shirt to cover the gash on his neck. ‘I need a new shirt,’ he thought, ‘I need to get out of here quickly. Maybe if I go now, the others won’t see me and I can make it to the dorm before they realize I’m gone.’ Deciding that was his best course of action, Junhui slowly opened the door and took a peak down the hallway. Not seeing anyone, he decided to make a mad dash for the exit, trying to get out of the building without anyone seeing him.

“Hey, Jun! What are you doing? What happened to your shirt?” Jun heard behind him, feeling his blood freeze. ’No no no, god no. This can’t be happening.’ He thought, panicked.

Jun turned to see his manager walking towards him with a confused look on his face. ‘I need to think quickly.’ Jun thought, looking around wildly, trying to come up with a lie.

“Hi hyung, um, I spilled juice on my shirt, so I was going to go home and change.” He lied, hoping it would be convincing enough for his manger to buy. “Oh really? I’m sure one of the others have a shirt you could borrow…” he trailed off, slightly suspicious of the member.

“A-ah, y-yeah, but I’m also not feeling too good either, so I was just gonna go home and rest…” he mumbled, not thinking he was being convincing.

“Okay… do you want me to take you? I could call one of the others to go with you too-“ he started, but was cut off before he could finish. “NO! I-it’s fine hyung, I can go by myself, don’t worry.” Jun said quickly, trying to put a convincing smile on his face.

“Um, okay, if you’re fine with that. Make sure to rest up then, Jun. Don’t stay up playing games.” He said lightly, trying to get a laugh out of the other.

“Yeah, I won’t hyung, don’t worry.” Jun responded, letting out a humorless chuckle. He turned and made his way out of the building, ignoring his managers concerned gaze, just wanting to get home so he could sleep.‘It’s manager-hyung too, he thinks I only play around too.” Jun thought sadly. His walk back to the dorm was full of negative thoughts, Junhui unable to stop his mind from running away from him. ‘I have no one. I’m all alone now. I drove everyone away from me.’

As he made his way into the dorm, he noted just how exhausted he was. ‘Stop whining,’ he thought harshly, ‘The others were in even worse shape, and it’s all your fault. Think about Mingyu and Seungkwan who have so many schedules. You made them suffer so much because you’re a terrible dancer and couldn’t be bothered to improve.’

Despite being bone-tired, Junhui dragged himself into the bathroom to take care of the cuts on his neck. Instead of properly cleaning it, he just put a large enough bandaid on it so no one would see it, and threw his bloody shirt into the trash. ‘I deserve this pain, it’s my own fault. I just have to suck it up now and deal with it.’ He thought, resigned to the stinging feeling in his neck. After putting a new shirt on, he crashed into his bed, too tired to do anything else. It had been a long day, he just needed to sleep and he would be fine. He would be perfectly fine tomorrow and then, he could properly think of a way to apologize to his members for everything he’s done.

‘They deserve someone much better than me,’ Junhui thought, his consciousness fading from him, ‘I wish I could be someone that could make them proud.’

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry guys.” Jun slurred, half-asleep.

_____________

 

 

Jun was too far-gone to hear the footsteps entering the dorm and the pair that quickly made their way to his shared room. He was too exhausted to register the door opening and someone sighing softly, mumbling “oh thank god” under their breath as the two made their way towards him. And he was definitely completely asleep when Jeonghan leaned down to pet his hair, mumbling lovingly, “Okay, Junnie, just sleep for now and we can deal with this tomorrow. Get some rest.” He completely missed Joshua softly humming next to him, looking over him and noticing the bandaid that hadn’t been there before, regarding it with a confused look and pointing it out to Jeonghan. 

 

“Was that there before?” Joshua asked Jeonghan, who only shrugged and looked at Junhui’s sleeping form with worry. What had happened when he ran off? How did he get hurt?

 

“Hey guys…” Seungcheol said from the hall, slight fear in his voice, “You need to see this.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah... I'm sorry guys >< but now the hyungs at least have an idea, right?
> 
> I promise it's going to get less sad from here on out!! Junnie will be okay!!
> 
> Thank you for the support for this fic, I was honestly not expecting as much as I got for this being my first fic ^^ I'm so grateful! Please leave any comments you have below, any criticism too ^^
> 
> twt if you wanna yell at me: littlekittenhui


	3. Chapter III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeonghan watched. 
> 
> He felt responsible, after all. He was the oldest, second only to their leader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from the point of view of hyung line! Self harm is also mentioned, so please stay away if that will trigger you. 
> 
> Enjoy~

_______________ 

 

Jeonghan watched.

 

He felt responsible, after all. He was the oldest, second only to their leader. And it was too much for Seungcheol to watch everyone; he already had so many responsibilities. It was only right for Jeonghan to watch the kids; they all trusted him and looked up to him after all. So he got in the habit of keeping an eye on them.

Especially their eldest Chinese member.

It started shortly after he met Junhui. He noticed Junhui was quiet, mainly due to the fact he couldn’t speak Korean yet. However, Jun soon began to show his real, goofy personality. Jeonghan was drawn to the younger due to the different sides he showed depending on his condition. Jun was interesting and cute; he was a fun kid to be around that Jeonghan felt he should protect. Junhui didn’t have anyone in Korea besides them. In that sense, Jeonghan felt a duty to watch out for the younger, especially knowing the younger was incredibly selfless and took care of the others before himself.

That’s why Jeonghan was the one to notice it.

It didn’t make the others inattentive that they didn’t; it’s just that Jeonghan was hyper-attentive of Junhui that he noticed before the others. At first, Jeonghan thought he was imagining it; he thought he was being too sensitive to Jun and that’s why he would notice when Jun would sometimes withdraw into himself and sometimes his smile wouldn’t reach his eyes. He noticed Junhui’s laugh would sound empty whenever the others would make embarrassing comments about him and his childlike personality. He could see when Junhui was just pretending to be okay. He could see Junhui.

Yet, he never was able to bring it up directly to him.

How was he supposed to when the younger constantly acted like everything was fine? Junhui acted like nothing bothered him; that he was free of burdens.

‘I’m worrying too much,’ Jeonghan thought after seeing Jun looking empty, ‘If something was wrong, he would tell me, wouldn’t he?’Jeonghan wasn’t sure though. Was Junhui really the type to complain to others? No, he wasn’t, and that made Jeonghan worry even more. ‘If I look out for him and keep talking to him, he’ll tell me eventually.’ He thought hopefully.

“Jun-ah!” Jeonghan called, startling Jun out of his thoughts, “Spend some time with hyung, okay? I miss you.” Jeonghan needed to keep an eye on him; he needed to protect Junhui, who stared at him wide-eyed, shocked to be called out. Yet, seeing Junhui's face morph from shock to happiness and hearing the chirpy "yes hyung!" from the younger made him think that it would be okay. They would be okay, he could take care of Jun. 

_______________

 

Yet, it wasn’t enough.

 

“What is it Cheol-ah?” Jeonghan said, not willing to leave Junhui’s side. When Junhui hadn’t come out after ten minutes, Jeonghan had gone to find a staff to open the door, only to find the bathroom unlocked and Jun gone. Panicked, Jeonghan ran back to the practice room where the other members waited anxiously, only worrying more when Jeonghan relayed to them that Junhui was gone and unaccounted for. His nerves were only calmed when he and Soonyoung had run into their manager while searching for their member and told them that Junhui had gone home. His anxiety increased however after hearing their manager say Jun wasn’t feeling well and didn’t seem very well when he had left. The members had practically sprinted to their dorm to see their Chinese member and check if he was okay. The only thing stopping them all from barreling into Jun’s shared room was Jeonghan’s hard stare, telling them to stay away until they had made sure Jun was okay. And it was best that they had done that, seeing that Jun was completely exhausted and now had an unexplained injury.

“Jeonghan, Shua, look at this.” Seungcheol said, hands shakily holding onto the bloody shirt he had pulled from the bathroom trash can. Gasps filled the room as Jeonghan and Joshua looked at their member’s bloody shirt.

“How the hell did that happen?” Jeonghan exclaimed, “That’s so much blood! Did he fall? Did he get caught on something? What’s going on?” He said, bordering on hysterical. He felt a hand on his shoulder, looking up and seeing Joshua staring at him, urging him to calm down. Slowly, Jeonghan took a deep breath and tried to calm down, but unable to stop his mind from racing. How had his beloved dongsaeng gotten hurt? Did someone hurt him? The thought of someone doing something to hurt Jun caused his blood to boil. Junhui was a sweet, kind person. Who could have done this?

“Did someone hurt Junnie?” Joshua asked cautiously, not wanting to upset Jeonghan any more. The question however made Seungcheol inhale sharply. “I… I don’t know. I can’t tell from this. But if someone did, why wouldn’t he come to us about it?” Seungcheol helplessly wondered.

“Let me get a better look at him. Shua, turn on your phone flashlight.” Jeonghan demanded, wanting to search his member for more injuries. Joshua obeyed, wanting to see if Junhui was hurt too. As they slowly flashed a light on Junhui, they couldn’t contain their gasps.

Harsh red lines painted Jun’s arms. Some of them had broken skin, now bleeding a little. The bandaid on his neck was saturated with the crimson liquid. And Jun himself, he looked so fragile and small.

“Cheol-ah…” Jeonghan whispered, voice soft and scared, “This… this isn’t what I think it is, is it?” Jeonghan questioned. It couldn’t be, surely. Junhui would never. He would never do this. Any negative thoughts he had would never lead him to this point, right? And even if they had, surely Jeonghan would notice right away and would be able to stop it before he really hurt himself, wouldn’t he?

  
Yet, the sight before him was reality.

 

“Junnie… Junnie did this to himself…” Cheol said, voice breaking at the last syllable. Jeonghan turned to him helplessly, looking for confirmation that this couldn’t be happening. Yet, all he saw was pain and sadness in their leader’s eyes. “Shua, this isn’t-“ Jeonghan tried, only to find Joshua looking at Junhui’s injuries with tears in his eyes. They couldn’t deny it, no matter how much they wished to. Junhui has hurt himself. He had caused his own injuries.

Turning back to Jun, Jeonghan couldn’t contain his heartbreak, “Jun-ah! Why would you do this to yourself? Why would you hurt yourself? Why wouldn’t you tell hyung that you were suffering!” He exclaimed, voice cracking and tears escaping. Seungcheol reacted quickly, racing to Jeonghan and gathering him in his arms, holding Jeonghan to try and comfort the younger, also reaching out to hold onto Joshua as well. None of them could believe this. They couldn’t imagine that Junhui, their Junhui, would do something like this.

“It doesn’t make sense…” Joshua said softly as tears cascaded down his cheeks, “Junnie is always so happy and cheery, why would he do this? Was he this upset by what the others said?” He questioned, not understanding. He knew Jun was upset, as anyone would be, hearing his members say cruel and hurtful things. Of course Jun was hurt; Joshua knew he had the right to be hurt by what the others had said and insinuated. Yet, he couldn’t see those things making him want to do this. If he was angry, why wouldn’t he just yell back? Break something? God, he would take Jun hitting one of them over him doing this.

“Junnie… Junnie gets really upset and negative sometimes,” Jeonghan whispered, too drained emotionally to talk properly, “He gets upset sometimes when the others say certain things. He’s never told me outright, but I see it sometimes. When we make fun of him sometimes, he doesn’t smile or laugh right. It wasn’t all the time and he never said anything about it hurting his feelings so I thought maybe it was just a little insecurity, but maybe we were really hurting him. Maybe…” He said, not wanting to continue, “Maybe we did this to him.”

Silence took over the room, only the sound of Junhui’s soft snoring could be heard. The eldest three stood there contemplating Jeonghan’s words and their roles in Junhui’s pain. Had they done this to him? Had they drove Jun to hurting himself? Were they to blame?

“Okay, we need to come up with a plan,” Seungcheol said, realizing he needed to pull Jeonghan and Joshua out of their heads before they both broke down, “We need to talk to Jun about this when he wakes up. We need to find out if this was a one-time thing, or if this is a persisting problem. We need to help him. Maybe we did cause this. Maybe we were the worst hyungs ever; but we can still change that. We can still help him.”

The other two boys just stood there, sniffling and taking in their leader’s words. “Okay,” Joshua spoke first, “Let’s talk to Junnie when he wakes up. We can ask him then, I don’t want to wake him up. We have to be careful though; we don’t want to scare him or make him panic. We have to show him we care about him.” He said softly.

“We do. We all do. I know it.” Seungcheol said. He looked to Jeonghan, who was staring at the youngest member in the room. Slowly, Jeonghan walked towards Junhui, reaching a hand out and gently tracing the scratches on his arms. He then moved up to his neck, touching it softly, When his fingers grazed it, a small noise of pain came from Junhui’s lips, causing Jeonghan to withdraw harshly. Swallowing his tears, Jeonghan brought his hand up to gently run his fingers through Junhui’s hair, soothing the younger.

“We should do something about the others,” Seungcheol said softly, remembering the others were probably waiting for an update on their hyung and friend, “We shouldn’t tell them now; it would stress them out and they wouldn’t be able to sleep. Let’s tell them that Jun-ah is asleep and exhausted, and it would be best for Chan and Seungkwan to sleep in our rooms for the night.” He said, the others agreeing. “After the three of us talk to Junhui, we can work out how to tell the others and what to do. I’ll call the managers and tell them that we can’t do any schedules tomorrow.”

“Cheol-ah,” Jeonghan called softly, causing Seungcheol to turn from where he had been going to exit the room, “Can I stay here with him? I can’t leave him now. Not after I failed him before.”

“None of us are going anywhere, Hannie,” Joshua said, going to comfort the man, “We’re all staying here to watch after Junnie. And you didn’t fail him; you were the only one who noticed him acting differently. You were the hyung he trusted most. You can still help him, Jeonghan. We all can.”

 

And they were going to.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW I SAID IT WOULDNT BE SUPER SAD ANYMORE BUT I THOUGHT THIS WAS NECESSARY I KNOW IM MEAN IM SORRY
> 
> I think it's important to see it from the other members' point of view, since they are also directly effected by Jun's self harm and inner turmoil. I know I changed the number of chapters and I'm sorry for that. I was planning for this to only be 4 chapters, but I think it might be 5-6 now >< but hey, that means more content, right?
> 
> Please let me know what you think below and if you have any suggestions/criticisms! I want to improve my writing ^^
> 
> twt if you wanna yell at me: littlekittenhui


	4. Chapter IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as his eyes opened, he was hit with a few different things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW // talks of self harm and self hatred and panic attacks
> 
> I'm so sorry for this taking a little while, this week has been so busy, I had no time to even think about uploading the next chapter ;-:
> 
> But finally, here it is! I hope you enjoy~
> 
>  

 

____________

 

As soon as his eyes opened, he was hit with a few different things.

 

First, Junhui was incredibly groggy after waking up. Having not showered or stretched properly, his limbs were sore and smelly. Next, he felt a headache setting in, due to all the stress and pain from the previous day. Groaning, Junhui sat up in his bed, surprised to feel a blanket laying on top of his body. He had no recollection of covering himself after he crashed in bed; how had it gotten there? After blinking a few times, he easily came to the realization of what had happened, seeing his hyungs asleep on top of each other on the side of his bed.

His hyungs. They were here. And they had seen him.

Almost instantaneously realizing what that meant, Junhui’s hand flew to cover up with bandage on his neck. He looked around wildly, not comprehending what he should do in this situation. How much had they seen? Did they know he did this to himself? Surely, they couldn’t, right? There was no proof after all. He could just lie to them and say he got hurt on his way home.

‘Calm down,’ Jun told himself, trying to snap out of his panic, ‘They don’t know yet. I can just tell them I fell or something. They think I’m clumsy and dumb enough to do that anyways, it’ll be fine.’

Suddenly, another groan came from the side of Junhui’s bed, making him snap his head to look at who it was. Slowly, Joshua raised his head from where it had been resting on Jeonghan’s shoulder and looked up. The sleepiness in his eyes was immediately gone once he realized who was looking back at him. He seemed to have a look of worry in his eyes before schooling his expressions and looking completely calm.

“Junhui, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” Joshua said conversationally. It didn’t seem like he had any concern about Junhui’s wound which was good, right? He wouldn’t have to explain it too much then, right?

Then why did his tone sting so much?

“I-I’m fine hyung. How are you? Why are you and the hyungs sleeping in my room?” Jun asked, trying to swallow the lump growing in his throat.

“Oh, we were just a bit worried about you, Junnie. You ran off yesterday without saying anything and we didn’t know what happened to you. We wanted to make sure you were okay.” Joshua said softly, not wanting to give away that he knew what had happened. Junhui needed to tell them himself, he realized; he couldn’t force Jun to talk or else he would shut down.

“O-oh yeah, um, I was just tired and I didn’t really wanna talk. I’m sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to make you guys worry…” Jun mumbled, not knowing what else to say.

A few more groans came from next to Joshua. Junhui watched as Jeonghan and Seungcheol arose from their slumber, both mumbling about how their bodies hurt. Once they remembered what had happened the night before and that Junhui was now awake, they seized their grumbling and immediately started rambling.

“Jun! You’re finally awake! What happened yesterday! You scared me half to death, how could you just run off without talking to any of us?” Jeonghan half-shouted, mostly out of shock at seeing the younger awake. The younger started retreating into himself at his favorite hyung’s yelling, filling Jeonghan with regret.

“I-I’m sorry hyung. I promise I wasn’t going to, I-I just was so tired and wanted to go home…” Jun said softly, staring at his hands in his lap. Great, now Jeonghan was mad at him. ‘Good job, Jun. Your favorite hyung hates you now too.’ He thought bitterly.

“J-Jun, that’s not- I mean, I’m just worried is all. We found you here last night with no shirt on and-“ Jeonghan started to ramble, worried about the younger but not knowing how to properly express his thoughts. However, at the mention of him being shirtless, Junhui’s snapped up as he looked at Jeonghan with wide eyes, visible panic filling them.

“Jun,” Seungcheol interrupted, “I know you’re tired and confused, but we really need to talk to you, if that’s okay. I need you to be really honest with me, can you do that for hyung?” Seungcheol said softly, but firmly, rising to sit on the bed in front of Jun.

Junhui gulped, scared of where this conversation could lead to. Surely, they hadn’t figured it out, right? There’s no way; they had no way of proving it anyways. ‘What are they gonna do if they did figure it out though?’ He wondered, suddenly scared, ‘Are they gonna report me to management? Kick me out of the group? Send me back to China? What will I tell my parents? Will they expose me to the fans? What’s going to happen to me?’ He thought, anxiety taking over his body. He was suddenly unable to think about how his hyungs were right in front of him; all he could think about was what was going to happen if they knew. If they knew, were they going to tell the younger ones? Had they already told them? Did they send them out of the dorm so they could be alone and kick him out of the group? He couldn’t hear anyone else in the dorm, they must have.

‘So this is where it ends. This is where my career ends.’ Junhui thought, unable to hear the other voices talking to him, ‘I’m getting kicked out of Seventeen today. I’m not going to be with these members anymore. They’re getting rid of me today.’

Not realizing he was having a panic attack, Junhui started to curl in on himself, fingernails digging into his thighs to try and calm down. He was so used to this feeling; he knew how to make it go away and how to control it when it involved hurting himself. Yet, he was unable to stop it this time. Because he wasn’t able to hurt himself.

“Junhui! Junhui, are you listening? Hey, Jun, please look at me. I need you to look at hyung. Can you do that for me?” Looking up slightly, Junhui realized that Jeonghan was now sitting directly in front of him, ducking down to look at his tearstained face. “Hyungs are here, Junnie. We’re here. We’re not going anywhere.” Jeonghan said soothingly, trying to calm down the panicked boy. Slowly, Jun realized that his nails weren’t dug into his thighs like they usually were; he looked down and noticed Joshua holding his wrists, preventing them from touching his skin.

“Junnie, you can’t, okay? Just breathe with me, okay? It’s okay, I know you’re scared, but it’s okay.” Joshua tried. Yet, Junhui couldn’t help but not that Joshua was staring at the harsh red lines and cuts on his forearms. When he looked back up, Joshua realized what mistake he made; he let Jun know that they knew what he had done.

‘They know. Oh god, they know. It’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s-‘ Junhui’s brain started to ramble, unable to think of another conclusion.

“Jun? Junnie, hey, no no no please, calm down, Junnie, please-“ Jeonghan started, watching as Junhui burst into tears again, his breathing unstable as he began to hyperventilate. Jun started to flail a little, trying to get away from his hyungs. He couldn’t be near them anymore; they knew and they were going to kick him out. He would never get to sing and dance on stage ever again. He would never get to see their fans again. He would never get to eat and joke around with the members again. It was all over.

Suddenly, strong arm wrapped around Jun’s torso, forcing him to sit straight up and to stop trying to get away. Wildly, Junhui turned his head to look at who was holding him when Seungcheol’s face came into view.

“Junhui, it’s okay. Whatever you’re thinking right now is not right. You’re okay, you’re safe. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. We aren’t mad at you, we aren’t going to hurt you, we don’t hate you, Junnie. We don’t hate you.” Seungcheol said softly, staring into Jun’s wet eyes with as much sincerity and love as he could.

 

Hate.

 

They didn’t hate him. They didn’t hate him. _They didn’t hate him._

Slowly, Junhui began to stop trying to swing his arms out from Joshua’s grip and he began to slump against Seungcheol’s body. The panic started to lift from his body, reducing him to a pile of goo against his leader.

“You’re safe, Junnie. We’re sorry we scared you. It’s okay. Yes, we know, we know what happened, but it’s okay, no one is mad at you. It’s going to be okay, Jun-ah.” Jeonghan said, slowly reaching out to cup Jun’s tear-covered cheek. “It’s alright now. You don’t have to pretend anymore. You can talk to hyungs. We want to listen to you. We want to know what’s going on with you. Can you talk to us?”

“I-“ Junhui tried, voice hoarse and crackly. He began to cough violently, throat dry from not having used his voice in hours. Suddenly, a bottle was lifted to his lips and Joshua was feeding him water in little bursts.

“Take small sips, Junnie. It’s okay, take your time. We have time, don’t worry.” Joshua cooed at him. He could see just how much the panic attack had taken out of Jun; despite having just woken up, his eyes were droopy and hazy and his entire body language read exhausted. Joshua couldn’t help but feel guilty at the thought of Jun having gone through this often by himself.

After coughing a little more and clearing his throat, Jun tried to speak again, “I, I didn’t mean to hyung,” Jun said brokenly, staring at Jeonghan with pleading eyes, “I swear hyung, I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t mean to what, Jun-ah? I need to hear you say it, so I know we’re on the same page.” Jeonghan said, not unkindly. He knew it would be hard for Jun to say himself, but he needed to be the one who told his hyung what he had done to himself.

“I-I… I h-hurt my-myself…” Jun said, tears filling his vision as he looked down at his lap, too ashamed to look at the older. Suddenly, he felt the pair of arms around his torso tighten, pulling Junhui closer to their leader. “S-Seungcheol hyung, what-“ He started, but was cut off.

“We know. We know, Junnie. I found your shirt in the trash. We saw everything. We know what you did. What we don’t know is why, Jun. Why did you do this to yourself?” Seungcheol said, voice thick with tears he was trying to not let fall. This caused the dam to burst and Jun let out everything he had been holding in for so long.

“Because I’m useless! I’m stupid and childish and I don’t work hard enough and I play around too much and you guys don’t need or like me and I keep messing up at practice and I make you guys work too hard! I saw it, you guys were all thinking the same thing! ‘Why can’t he do it? Why is he like this? Why did we get him on our team?’ I can see it, hyung! I know I’m a burden to the team and I’m not liked by the fans! I know that the team would be so much better without me! But! ” He said hoarsely, unable to stop, “But, I still wanna be here! I still wanna be part of Seventeen! I can’t help it hyung, I can’t… I can’t… I want to be here…” Jun mumbled off, suddenly feeling too exhausted to keep going.

Silence filled the room. No one had been expecting this to have been the reason for Jun hurting himself. They had wondered if it was stress or loneliness or homesickness; never would they have guessed it was due to them that he had been having panic attacks. The three hyung started to fill with deep regret and couldn’t hold back their sorrows any longer.

“Oh Junnie… I’m so so sorry. I’m so sorry if I or anyone else in our team did things to make you feel like we didn’t want you here. What happened yesterday was not okay, and the others know that. They felt so bad, Jun, some of them were in tears after you left and got so worried when we couldn’t find you. I know that we really hurt you Junnie, you’re allowed to be hurt, but we would never even consider letting you go from the team. We belong together; the thirteen of us are Seventeen and without one of us, we wouldn’t function anymore. We need you here, with us.” Jeonghan said softly, cupping both of Jun’s cheeks to make him look him in the eyes.

“We adore you, Jun-ah,” Joshua took over, “I know we tease you a lot but we do it out of love. We think you’re silly and cute and you’re so energetic sometimes it’s blinding. You’re really such a bright kid. I’m sorry if we ever took it too far and that we caused you this much stress. You don’t deserve to feel this way and the fact that it was us who did this to you breaks my heart.” He finished, voice cracking at the end. Jun slowly reached out and took Joshua’s hand, trying to give him a comforting smile.

“As your leader, I should have noticed that you were uncomfortable with the jokes and the teasing and I should have stopped it. It’s my fault that it went this far,” Seungcheol said, not letting Junhui speak when he wanted to interrupt, “I know you think differently, but this wasn’t your fault, Jun. We’re a team, we’re supposed to look out for one another and we failed you. We weren’t as attentive as we should have been, especially as your hyungs. What happened yesterday was not okay and I should have never let it get to that point. I let you get hurt by the others and I didn’t handle the situation properly. I shouldn’t have left you alone to defend yourself and it was wrong of me to not follow after you immediately. I’m sorry for being a terrible leader and a terrible hyung, Jun-ah.” Seungcheol said shakily, tears dribbling down his cheeks.

“Hyung… I, I don’t blame you guys… I knew what I was doing was wrong, so it’s not just your guys’ fault. I’m not mad at any of you… I just felt terrible about myself for the longest time and I always tried to make it go away and to be the positive member but it was hard...” Junhui said, squeezing the hands wrapped around his waist, “The things you guys would say, yeah they hurt, but if I didn’t already think those things about myself, I wouldn’t have done what I did. I regret it, I really do…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say next.

“Can you stop, Junnie? Do you think you can stop hurting yourself?” Joshua asked seriously, questioning whether it was possible for Jun to not cause himself pain.

“I-I don’t know, I’ve been doing it for a while now… It always helps me get in control of my panic attacks… I don’t know how to make them stop if I don’t…” Jun replied, knowing it wasn’t the answer they wanted to hear. He really was unsure if it was possible for him to stop at this point; it had been so long, how was he going to calm down if he didn’t hurt himself?  
“Do you want to?” Jeonghan cut in, causing Jun to look at him in confusion, “Do you want to be able to stop? Do you want to get help?” He clarified, watching Junhui’s eyes go wide, “You need to want to stop hurting yourself, Jun-ah. We can’t help you if you don’t want to stop. You need professional help. We can try and help you on our own, but you need to see someone about this, someone you can feel comfortable talking to. I know it’s scary, but this isn’t something we can just let go. You need someone who isn’t us, I think. Of course we’ll be there for you, but you need someone else too.” Jeonghan finished, gently stroking Junhui’s cheek.

“I… I’ve never considered going to therapy or something like that. It’s scary to think about, but… I want to get better, hyung. I don’t wanna do this anymore.” Jun said, looking at Jeonghan with determined eyes. Jeonghan smiled at that look, reminded of the kid he met years ago who was all long limbs and awkward Korean, but bright, determined eyes.

“Okay. We’ll find someone, okay? We’ll even try to find someone who can speak Mandarin so it’ll be easier for you. Don’t worry, okay? We won’t let anyone find out. I promise, as your leader, I will finally properly protect you; from management and from the public.” Seungcheol calmly stated. At the remark, Junhui leaned back onto his leader even more, saying a small ‘thank you hyung, I’m counting on you’ before looking at Jeonghan.

“Hyung?” Jun said, to which Jeonghan made a questioning face, “Will you… will you go with me to my first session? I-I would be more comfortable if you were there I think…” He asked shyly, making Jeonghan’s heart swell.  
“Of course I’ll come Junnie, I’m honored that you want me there.” Jeonghan said, smiling at the younger, causing him to smile softly too. “We do have something we need to do soon though.”

“What is it, hyung?” Junhui asked, slightly confused.  
“We need to talk to the others. I know you might not be comfortable telling them everything, but we’re a family and they’re already so worried. I don’t like the idea of keeping them all in the dark of what’s been happening. I know it’s scary, but I think it would be best if they all knew.” Jeonghan said, looking at Jun intensely to see his reaction.

“We can tell them for you, if you want. But we need to let them know what’s been going on.” Joshua said softly, rubbing Jun’s bicep. “We also need to clean you up.”

Jun finally took a look in the mirror across from his bed. He first noticed how all his hyungs were surrounding him in almost a little cocoon, making his heart full. But then, he noticed his dark circles, his puffy face, his red forearms and the red-soaked bandage on his neck.

“We need to change that and make sure it’s properly disinfected…” Jeonghan said, already beginning to fuss over the younger.

“Before that, we need to know Jun: are you comfortable with telling the members what’s been going on? We can always just tell them part of what’s happening. If you really don’t want them to know, we can keep some of it to us.” Seungcheol said, trying to reassure the Chinese member.

“They… they can know,” Jun started, “But I don’t want to be the one who tells them. Can you tell them, please?” He couldn’t bear it; the looks of hurt and worry.

“Okay Jun, if that’s what you want. We’ll explain everything, okay? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. You never were.” Jeonghan said, smiling softly at him.

“I know, hyung.” Junhui said, returning the warm look,

 

“I know.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it finally happened, the everything was discussed!! I hope I did this justice, hopefully y'all aren't too disappointed ;-;  
> I wanted to really include all three of 95 line in this chapter because all three of them play such an important role in Jun's life and they all care so much, no one more than the other (also I didn't want people to think this is implied jeonghan/junhui because it is NOT)  
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!! only one more to go until we're done with this story ;; I'm glad so many people have enjoyed this story of mine and have even been interested enough to click on it ^^  
> please leave any comments or criticisms below, I really appreciate it ^^


	5. Chapter V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was scary, terrifying even.
> 
> After all this time, going through recovery was terrifying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning as always, mentions of self harm and self hatred, please click away if that triggers you
> 
> I'm sorry for this taking me so long to get out, it's been a busy month and I just hadn't been able to find the time to sit down and right this ;-;
> 
> enjoy~

_________________

 

 

It was scary, terrifying even.

After all this time, going through recovery was terrifying. There were so many different parts that scared Junhui; even though he truly wanted to get better, was he going to be able to? Was it possible to stop self-harming? What if he couldn’t make the panic attacks stop without it anymore? What if he relapsed? Would he disappoint the members? Would they get fed up with him? Would they-

‘No!’ Jun told himself, “No, they wouldn’t do that. I know that now. They love me. I shouldn’t doubt them anymore, not after everything they’ve been doing for me. They love me unconditionally, I know that now. If I even said anything like this out loud, Jeonghan hyung would scold me.’

At the thought of his overprotective hyung, Jun couldn’t stop the smile forming on his lips. Jeonghan had done so much for him, after everything had happened; all his hyungs had, and he was eternally grateful.

 

 

After his panic attack and talk with his hyungs, Jeonghan and Joshua had taken him to the bathroom so he could shower and cleaned his wounds. His two hyungs were being very overprotective and coddling him, but Jun couldn’t bring himself to mind the extra attention. He understood why they were mothering him so much; he would do the same in the same situation. So, he just sat obediently and let his hyungs fuss over him and his wounds.

 

 

Meanwhile, Seungcheol gathered the remaining members and took them out from the dorm to give the others some privacy. Despite their confusion and reluctance, the younger members followed Seungcheol to the company practice room, where they could speak more about what had happened. Sitting in front of the others, Seungcheol could tell they were anxious about what had happened the night before. Some of them looked guilty, while others refused to meet his eye, probably worried they were about to be scolded again. Sighing, Seungcheol began to explain what had happened.

“So,” Seungcheol started, causing nine pairs of eyes to snap up to look at him, “I know you all have a lot of questions. I know you all what to know what happened with Junnie, and you wanna know why we didn’t let you see him last night. I need to explain a lot to you guys, so please try not to interrupt me. Does anyone have anything to say before I start?” He finished, surveying the room.

“Um-“ Soonyoung timidly started, completely contrasting his usual personality, “I know you’re not who I should be saying this to, but I need to apologize to you hyung, and to all of our members. What I did yesterday was uncalled for. I’m the performance team leader, and I should’ve stopped what was going on. I’m supposed to be encouraging everyone, not tearing anyone down. I know Minghao and Wonwoo were just mad, but I shouldn’t have taken it to another level. It was my job to stop it, yet I said the worst things to Jun. I’m sorry, Seungcheol hyung. You entrusted me to be one of the leaders and I hurt one of our members. I’m sorry everyone, for doing such a poor job as one of your leaders.” He concluded, looking at his hand sin his lap.

Suddenly, a hand gripped his, and looking up, Soonyoung could see it was Minghao, looking at him gently. “It wasn’t just your fault, hyung. We all should’ve done better. I’ve spent the most time with Junnie-hyung, and I’m the one who started this mess. I shouldn’t have blamed him when it was obvious he was exhausted. We can all do better, so we should focus on that, rather than trying to blame someone.” Minghao said sincerely. He wasn’t trying to excuse their behavior, he was still angry at himself for what he had said the previous night. But it wasn’t about him anymore; they needed to do whatever they had to to make them better brothers and better teammates to each other.

“Minghao is right, Soonyoung,” Seungcheol said, capturing everyone’s attention again, “There’s no point in assigning blame anymore. We can’t take back what happened, no matter how much we want to. I know you guys feel bad, I saw the looks on your faces when Junnie ran off and when we couldn’t find him. I saw the tears you all shed. It’s not okay, what happened shouldn’t have, but we all know Jun. He has a soft heart, he’ll forgive you guys. But that’s not all I wanted to talk about.” Seungcheol could see they were confused by his statement, and took a deep breath before explaining, “Junnie has been suffering for a long time. He’s always heard such negative things about himself, and we in part solidified those things to him. He’s been dealing with his insecurities on his own, and they’ve been giving him panic attacks. And to cope with them, Junnie has been- he’s been hurting himself.” Seungcheol could hear the gasps fill the room, but continued to power through, needing to finish before he could let them speak.

“Jun-ah has been doing it for a while. I’m not sure how long, but it’s bad. He says he can’t help it; that it’s the only thing that stops his panic attacks. I don’t know how badly he hurts himself, but last night he had a really bad panic attack after he left the practice room. He hurt himself really badly and bled a lot. That’s why he ran off without telling us.” Seungcheol finished shakily, still not fully accepting of the information he knew was true.

“Jun-hyung… Jun-hyung hurt himself because we gave him a panic attack? We made Jun-hyung hurt himself?” Chan asked, voice wobbling.

“What happened last night triggered it, yes. We confirmed a lot of the negative things Junnie already thought about himself.” Seungcheol said, sadly smiling at their maknae who was near tears.

“What negative things? What does Jun think about himself?” Mingyu demanded, not wanting to accept what Seungcheol had told them.  
“Jun thinks he doesn’t belong with us,” Seungcheol sighed, “He thinks he’s freeloading off of us. He thinks we don’t like him, we think he’s annoying and childish and stupid. He’s convinced that we’re just tolerating him and that we wish he wasn’t in Seventeen. And after last night, he thought we had hit our breaking point and were gearing up to kick him out.”

“That’s not true!” Seokmin exclaimed, tears dribbling down his cheeks, “We don’t- we don’t hate hyung! We love hyung! We would never, we would never kick him out of the group…” He trailed off, sobs coming from his throat. Seungcheol wrapped an arm around him, trying to comfort the younger the best he could. He knew that this information was a lot to absorb and that they were not only in disbelief, but in pain from hearing all the painful details.

“It’s all our fault… it’s all our fault that Jun-ah’s been hurting himself.” Wonwoo said, staring at his lap, “Why… why did I say those things to him? Why did we hurt him? We’re supposed to be brothers, and yet…” Unable to finish, Wonwoo bit down on his lip, trying to keep his tears at bay. As Seungcheol looked around the room, he noticed the members fell silent and the only thing that could be heard was their sobs and sniffles. None of them could completely comprehend the situation they were presented with.

“So what now, hyung? What are we supposed to do now?” Vernon said, looking at Seungcheol with red, pleading eyes. This caused everyone else to look at Seungcheol, their leader, for an answer of what they were supposed to do.

“Now, now we support Junnie.” Seungcheol said confidently, causing the others to nod in agreement, “Me, Jeonghan, and Joshua had a talk with Junnie when he woke up. He wants to get better. He wants to go to therapy, and he wanted us to tell you guys what’s going on. So now, we’re going to be focusing on Junnie’s recovery. It’s going to be hard, for Junnie especially, but what we can do is support him and make sure he knows that we’re all here for him and that he’s not doing this alone anymore. I know you all are going through a range of emotions now, and I don’t blame you. We can all talk about it, I don’t want you to go through your own self-hatred. But right now, I need you all to understand Jun-ah, and to be there for him. You don’t have to understand, but I would like you all to listen to him, and to each other. The reason it got to this point was because we haven’t been as attentive to each other has we should’ve been. I want us to grow together, and to be able to trust each other fully. We can do that, right?”

“Yes hyung!” They all chorused, making Seungcheol smile at them.

“Good, now let’s get cleaned up, get some food, and go back to the dorm. We can all talk to Junnie together.” He said, getting up and gathering the members into a group hug, comforting the ones who were still sniffling and ruffling their bedhead. Seungcheol knew this would take time; getting through this would take time and energy, but he knew they would all be willing to do this. ‘For Junhui’ they all thought.

 

When they had arrived back at the dorm, Jun was on the couch with Joshua and Jeonghan, talking and joking with each other. Seeing the others enter the dorm with sad looks and tear streaks on their cheeks, Junhui began panicking, knowing that they were given the details of what had happened. Instantly, Junhui stood up and tried to stammer out an explanation of his own, trying to apologize to the younger members for worrying them.

  

“U-um, so, um, guys, I-“ Junhui started staring at the floor, when suddenly he was swept into a tight hug, his face pushed into the person’s hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry Jun-ah. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve ever said. I’m sorry for every time I’ve ever called you a child or I’ve called you stupid, you’re not, you’re not, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry-“ Jihoon blabbered, unable to control his emotions, “I, I should have stopped them yesterday, I knew you were tired, you bumped into me and yet you were the one on the floor. I’m so sorry, I should’ve stood up for you, I-“ Jihoon tried to continue, but was cut off by Junhui,

“It’s okay.” Jun said softly, holding Jihoon with one arm and softly petting his head with the other, “It’s okay. I forgive you. It’s okay. Don’t cry, Jihoonie. I’ve only seen you cry once before, it’s weird for me to see you cry now, you know?” He said jokingly, causing Jihoon to let out a wet laugh.

“We’re all really sorry, hyung. We should’ve known better. We should’ve been supporting you, not making your insecurities worse. We don’t deserve your forgiveness, not now, but can we be there for you now? Can we try to be better brothers to you, hyung?” Minghao said, looking at Junhui with tears in his eyes.

Smiling, Jun held out an arm for them to come closer, “Of course. Now, come here.” He said gently. Suddenly, Junhui was in the middle of a thirteen-way group hug, listening to soft words and apologies coming from the members. Yet, Junhui couldn’t bring himself to be upset with any of them; he was only happy. Happy to be with them, happy to be loved by them, happy that they were going to do this together.

_________________

 

 

After that day and all the tears they had shed, Seungcheol had kept his promise of finding Junhui a therapist who could speak Mandarin, and was keeping Junhui away from management’s prying eyes. Jeonghan had come with Jun to his first appointment and had held his hand as it shook from anxiety. Despite it being incredibly draining and upsetting at times, Junhui continued to go.

“I have to,” Junhui had told Wonwoo on a day he had come home, particularly exhausted, “I want to get better. I want to be happy. I want to make you all proud.” He said, smiling at his friend, who pulled Junhui into a hug.

“We’re all already proud of you. You’ve been doing so well. You come to us when you’re having a hard time, and we all talk a lot more. You’ve done so much for us, Jun-ah. We’re all so proud of you.” Wonwoo said, holding onto the older tightly. Jun let out a small “thank you” and held on even tighter.

Their entire team had gotten a lot better about talking to each other when they were troubled and relying on each other, as well as being considerate to one another about sensitive issues. Their teamwork improved drastically, and it was obvious to anyone who was around them that the members were the happiest they had been during their careers.

“We’re all really happy now,” Seungcheol said during one of their speeches for an award they had won, “The thirteen of us have gone through a lot together, even more than we could have ever imagined. But, not for a second do any of us regret it; the thirteen of us are brothers for life, and we will continue to stick together for as long as we can. I love all of you guys!” He shouted happily, before thanking their fans and management, but not before making eye contact with Jun and giving him his signature gummy smile, causing Jun to smile happily at his leader. Junhui suddenly felt someone grab his right hand and squeeze it. He looked over and saw it was Joshua, who was smiling happily at the younger. Another hand grabbed his then, and he saw it was Seungkwan, who was still looking forward and smiling towards the camera. Smiling to himself, Junhui felt incredibly warm and thought,

 

 

‘Right.’ He mused, contently, “We all have each other. We’re all in this together.’

 

 

 

‘I have them.’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally done, my first fic!! I hope this ending wasn't too disappointing, I'm honestly not sure if it's good or not ;-;  
> I really wanted to focus on the other members as well for the final chapter since everything that's been going does not only affect jun, but the others as well. I also wanted to show their emotions and reactions as well, I didn't want anyone to think they're bad people or anything in this story, because they're not.  
> I hope you guys liked my first fic, I know it was far from perfect but I hope you were still able to enjoy it anyways!! please leave me any comments or criticisms in the comments ^^  
> I plan to write other fics, so if you guys have any suggestions of what you'd like to see, I'm pretty open to anything!! I will say though, most of my fics will probably be junhui-centered/ will need him as a main character  
> thank you to anyone and everyone who gave my fic a chance and read it the entire way through, I hope I didn't disappoint too much ^^
> 
> my twt: littlekittenhui

**Author's Note:**

> I KNOW PLEASE DONT HATE ME I LOVE JUNNIE TOO  
> I promise this will end happily!! Also I haven't figured out if I want a romantic pairing or not yet, so if you have any suggestions, let me know *side-eyes emoji*  
> I haven't decided an update schedule yet, I kinda wrote this on a whim >< but I will finish this so don't worry!!  
> Please let me know what you think below!! Any and all comments and criticism is welcomed ^^
> 
> You can come yell at me in my dms on twt @littlekittenhui


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